(Never) Too Small For God
I find myself in this place again, a place I know too well.
Knuckles white from the grip I hold, on life and all that’s in it, as if by my own willpower I can keep it all contained and orderly.
Control brings me nothing, because I never am in control. Instead, my days are steeped with worry, infused with an anxiety called “What if?”
And every “what if?” I imagined is coming true, right this minute, right before my eyes.
I cannot pray – these cares, this life of mine is too small for God! Too insignificant. The Maker of the universe cares not for my small wants and whines. But they are not small to me, they are massive, and they drive sleep from me and chase me through each day.
Did I bring this calamity upon myself? Is my situation a rod with which God is bludgeoning my stubbornness?
I am wrestling with this darkness, my strength and ability to cope taxed by the endurance, yet I will not give in. I will not stop fighting. I wrestle with my worries and my fears, the anxieties of every day, parenting, work, and all my mundane reality. In darkness I struggle, and I feel so alone.
My worries feel trivial. My life feels mundane. I am not struggling against illness, calamity or catastrophe. I am struggling with this simple life, this role of mother, wife, daughter. Universally insignificant. Personally stratospheric. It is all of me.
Until…the sun begins to rise and despite me, my foolish pride, dawn sheds light on this darkness I am fighting and I find that I am not wrestling the darkness at all.
Like Jacob, I am wrestling God.
All along, I fight to be in control, to manage life and keep it orderly, and all along, God wrestles with me, whispering against my frantic rage: You are not too small for me.
Nothing is too small for me.
Look at your children, child. Look at the cares upon their shoulders. They are not significant yet, but you care, do you not? You care for each and every worry. You comfort them for each and every hurt. No skinned knee or bruised finger is too small for your love.
Why then would your own hurts and cares be too small for me, the God Who Sees, who sees you and loves you greater than the light of the sun, more than the depth of the ocean. More than the magnitude of the universe, I love you.
My love is not too big for you. You are never too small for me.
If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
I struggled to get these words out. They’ve been brewing for weeks! I hope you see something of yourself in this, and if you find yourself wrestling in the dark, I pray that your dawn comes soon and you find God waiting there for you.
Grace and peace to you in abundance,
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