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Wanting

March 6, 2010

Did you ever want something so bad, you wished and hoped and prayed for it and when it was finally given to you, all you could do was worry that it would be taken away? That somehow God is up there waiting to say “Ha ha! Just kidding!”? A celestial bait-and-switch?

Sometimes it does happen – the new bicycle crashes, the new job doesn’t turn out to be so great, the beautiful new shoes mangle your feet (ok, ok, i’ve never prayed for new shoes, but i sure have been grateful to receive them and consider them a blessing!!!).

How can we count our blessings, but also be willing to give them up if God so chooses? How can we hold on to our gifts less tightly, trusting in a Creator that infinitely knows what is best for us?

When i was small, I truly believed that whatever I prayed for in earnest would be given to me. that if I prayed really, really hard, God would let me have whatever I asked for.

I remember the rude awakening when we realized mom had indeed inheirited her mother’s illness. I was shocked. I truly, deeply, honestly was convicted that it would not happen. Not to her. I had prayed earnestly since I was old enough to understand. I prayed this wouldn’t happen. How could God deny that prayer?

Years later I understand that what we are given soars far above what we ask for. That her illness had a purpose. that her life still had meaning. But, the spectre of fear entered my heart at that time and I continue to battle against it…what if what I desperately want isn’t what God wants? What if I am mistaken in thinking that what I’m asking for is part of His plan? What if He decides that this is not right for me?

This is really the deeper meaning of trusting God…trusting that when He gives and when He takes away…He will give us what we need to still be able to say Blessed Be the Name of the Lord.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 6, 2010 9:14 pm

    >Your last sentence in this post reflects your mature faith. It is so liberating to come to the place where no matter what happens, you know by faith that God's will and timing IS perfect. He has His children's best interest at heart, always!! God blesses and disciplines us because He loves us. Yes, we should pray and plead for the desires of our heart, but over-arching our desires must be "not my will, but thine be done". We are free from the worry about the outcome!! Father Knows Best.

  2. March 7, 2010 5:17 am

    >Such and honest post deserves an honest answer. Most of the best things in my life I was given without a lot of prayer, earnestness, or hoopla on my part. I have the best husband in the world after a lifetime of never wanting to be married. I have the best sisters and mom on the planet with no seeking of relational wisdom on my part. I have a lovely dog who is more than filling the baby urge without undue prayers to God. But each and every time they were given to me, it never failed that I would be paralyzed with fear that they would be taken away from me. Having been singularly blessed with (insofar as I have seen) unparalleld self-confidence, I think my dreams are largely used by God to keep me humble. An insufferable insomniac, I am constantly plagued by worst-case scenarios that keep me up through the night. When I do sleep, my dreams are epic (my husband would say super-hero-esque) and I think a therapist would see savior-complex imagery in them, as I'm constantly in positions in my dreams to save my sisters, save my husband, save the world (save the cheerleader……yeah, done that). Two days after getting Logan, and a lot of prayer that we get the right dog for our family, I had a dream where a threat (that in real life would be insignificant, but in my dream world was a tyrant) was threatening his life, and I was powerless to stop him. Last night I dreamed I saved a former co-worker I hadn't seen in months from death. I've lost many people in my life, both close to me, or removed but significant. I've had more than 12 people close to me die in my 26 years on this earth, so I feel I have a stronger grasp on the transience of life than most. I accept that most people that I love will leave, but I hold fast to the belief that I will see most of them one day in Glory. Sometimes, this is the only hope I have (in my morbid little mind :)…) that keeps me going. That, and that I trust unfailingly to a God that knows me, and what's best for me, than I know myself. "though He may slay me, yet will I trust in Him."Sorry, Mama Gabe, but your post struck a nerve. This is, I think, one thorn in my side that keeps me reliant on God; trusting Him to sustain my heart through loosing that which is most dear to me. I'd love to talk with you more in length, if you wish. Cheers,Christy A.

  3. March 8, 2010 6:22 am

    >You reminded me of Matt Redman's BLESSED BE YOUR NAME:"…. You give and take awayYou give and take awayMy heart will choose to sayLord, blessed be Your name …." It took me 10 years to learn how to truly say to God, "Even if I don't get the desire of my heart after years of fervent prayers, it’s ok. I'm committed not to give in to Satan's temptation to become hopeless and depressed because it hurts you if I do". Witnessing your dad's faith in the midst of your mum's illness was a healing process for me. For that I am always grateful to Bob and Karen (whose gracefulness and kindness will never be forgotten)!kass

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