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Dear Mom

October 10, 2012

Dear Mom,

In the last decade, I’ve learned to live without you. I’ve learned who to call when I have a problem, or who to ask about pie crust. I’ve learned to seek out the wisdom of others and how to be there for someone else behind me on the journey.

I’ve learned how to be a parent without your guidance

I’ve learned how to grow dahlias and roses and agapanthus. Just like you. What to do about a diaper rash and croup. How to roast a turkey, host a dinner party, and convince a toddler to eat their greens.

When to give them grace, and when to hold the line. When to call in reinforcements, and when to just hug them while they cry.

But I haven’t learned how to handle rejection, uncertainty and worry. If there is one person in the world I could run to when the world locked me out, it was you. You were my safety, my haven. The place of unconditional love and acceptance. The place where I could always be assured of empathy, encouragement, and someone to stroke my hair.

This journey is long. It’s not a road I ever wanted to travel without you. I still get angry, at times, that you’re not here. It’s not fair.

It’s not fair. 

We would have had a lot of fun together. I would still call you late at night because of something funny that happened, and you would still be up, and we would giggle in the dark, just like we always used to do.

We would go to lunch, or just for coffee and we’d try on clothes, just for fun. I would make sure you never dressed your age, and you would pretend to be scandalized at some of the stuff I wear.

We would have had so much fun together.

I’d know when to expect my hair to go gray and someone to ask about menopause, and what’s our family history of heart disease.

We’d work in ministry together, and sometimes, we’d even share a podium like Susan Giboney and Carrie Wall. We’d read each others’ minds, just like we always have, and we’d always get along because you are the golden retriever and I am the otter, and it is always just so easy for us to have fun.

I’ve learned to live without you, mom, but I haven’t learned to accept it. 

I don’t think I ever will.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Shelly permalink
    October 10, 2012 9:44 am

    Oh my! *tears* Your mom sounds amazing. Thank you for your authentic transparency. I won’t bore you with my story, but I must say that each word pierced this girl’s tender heart. Love and prayers to you.

  2. Donna F. permalink
    October 10, 2012 10:09 am

    Adelle, please know and fully understand that your beautiful mother lives on in beautiful you.

  3. Sandra Welch permalink
    October 10, 2012 11:38 am

    Ok, now you’ve done it. You made me cry out loud. You made me know you better and love you more. What a blesssing you are and how fearless!

  4. October 10, 2012 1:09 pm

    Lovely and heartfelt, Adelle. And there is no reason to accept it – it is a hole you will always have. And it’s a hole that will allow the light of grace to shine strongly into the lives of others who carry this kind of pain. Blessings.

  5. Lisa permalink
    October 10, 2012 2:17 pm

    I certainly could have used her advice through the years too! Like how to gracefully go through menopause!!! I am crying now and you lost her way too young!!! I could see you two in ministry together, That is one of the biggest losses!

  6. October 11, 2012 10:02 am

    Expressed so beautifully. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing your heart so openly.

  7. Bethany Fitelson permalink
    October 11, 2012 9:00 pm

    It’s really not fair. I appreciate how honest and open you are about your loss. I want to go call my mom now! Thanks for reminding us not to take anything for granted.

  8. Heather permalink
    October 11, 2012 10:20 pm

    I have to think that even though she is in heaven, is so proud of you and is watching over you, she desperately wishes she was here with you too.

  9. October 12, 2012 1:17 am

    I agree with Ms. Diana. You don’t have to accept it. It will always be painful. Know that you have support in other forms, and allow yourself to grieve! I lost my grandmother a year ago this month, and I still have moments of grief…and I wasn’t nearly as close to her as you were close to your wonderful mom. My heart is crying with you for your incredible loss. Big hugs, my friend! ❤

  10. kelleywilson permalink
    October 13, 2012 1:07 pm

    So sweet!!! You look so much like your mom!!! Praying for strength during the hard times!

  11. mtnmalou permalink
    August 24, 2015 9:21 am

    I believe, with all my heart, that God gave your Mother to me, in friendship and kindred spirit, at the perfect time when I needed His Hands, His Words, His Love, His Strength, His Hugs, through her. She was a conduit of our Heavenly Father’s compassion when I had nothing left inside to keep me afloat. God, through her, made me smile and filled me with hope. I will love her always. You are her legacy and she would be so proud. Through your transparent writings and the help that you bring to so many, you are expressing that part of you that is her influence and she lives on…Sending you my love.

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