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The Hole She Left Behind

July 23, 2013

the hole she left behind

Milestones are when I miss her most.

Birthdays. Weddings. Christmas.

I soar through the planning, buoyed on  excitement and expectation, but when it’s all over, there is always a hole. A sore spot, rubbed raw through the fun, and friends, and festivities. The place she should have held at the table, or by my side, gapes in the aftermath.

My mom-shaped hole. A place that will never heal, never close over. It will always be there, and she will always be missing, and there is simply no way around it.

Losing someone isn’t something you ever “get over.” We move forward, yes. We breathe again, and put one foot in front of the other, but it’s never really over. Not really. It’s always there, even if we forget for a while.

My gracious God has always supplied me with the resources she would have provided – friends to offer that mother-love, and counsel, and comfort. But I think even He knows that nothing can ever quite fill the void. It is inhuman to expect us to forget. It is divine to be able to move on in spite of the memory.

>Food: Remembering Mom

In the early days and years after her death, I didn’t fully understand. I chalked it up to coming down off the anticipatory high, coming down from the mountain of excitement.

Now I know that what aches is the spot she would have held and I have learned to expect the pain, the regret, that is always and forever married to every milestone of my life.

It’s just the way it is, and I’m not sure I would want it to be any different.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 23, 2013 8:22 pm

    Oh, do I feel for you. Just wrote this recently: An Open Letter to Grief (https://reflectiontherapy.wordpress.com/2013/07/13/a-open-letter-to-grief/). Also wrote about loss and “holy holes” here: https://reflectiontherapy.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/holy-holes/ . Not trying to pat myself on the back, just sharing because I can relate, and hope that the empathy may be of some encouragement to you. May the God of all comfort continue to uphold you, even in the midst of the gaping holes.

  2. Jackie permalink
    July 24, 2013 8:41 am

    Beautiful!
    I also feel the same hole/void for my mom.

  3. Evelyn Acord permalink
    July 24, 2013 10:30 am

    I love the way you state, “It is inhuman to expect us to forget and divine to be able to move on in spite of…” When in my teens I could not image how I would be able to deal with the death of my mom or dad. It was beyond me. Later my daughter Marcia died at 13 prior to my parents deaths. By the time of my parents death I was able to deal. Marcia’s death was like a sleet storm I couldn’t get out of.
    I know what you are saying about the void at all the celebrations, weddings, graduations, etc. At the same time you are happy for others (or yourself especially) but there is always ‘the truth’ your loved one is void. We pray for strength to live our lives God’s way while our ‘loved ones shaped holes’ begin to stack up. I love the fact that God created us with the ability to remember until we join them eternally. Thanks for you wonderful wording and sentiments!

    • July 24, 2013 10:39 am

      Evelyn – what an apt way to describe what you went through “a sleet storm I couldn’t get out of.” Very few can possibly imagine losing a child, much less moving on in spite of the memory. Thanks for the words of support and solidarity! Until we meet them again…

  4. July 24, 2013 11:43 am

    You have totally nailed the feeling of it. I think continuing to get the thoughts and emotions out, and being honest through all of them, is what helps us to continue to do the moving forward. Thank you for sharing your words – sending comforting thoughts your way…..

  5. Lisa permalink
    July 24, 2013 12:29 pm

    Would love to still have your mom in my life too. Loved seeing the pond at the “Da Da Da Property!!” That is what Mitch Parsons always called it. We had some wonderful times there!

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