31 Days to Shine: Off Kilter
I can’t seem to find my feet. Running, stumbling, never quite regaining balance as life lurches, shifting and moving to the side, little earthquakes leaving me more frayed and fragile. When does it stop? Topsy-turvy turmoil of motherhood, marriage, work and more work. Writing, dreaming, parenting. There is always, always something off balance, out of whack.
I feel bitter that I can’t seem to get it right. Too much in my head to remember it all, appointments, homework, deadlines, and dry wall. Too much on my plate, too much to remember. Too many balls in the air, and so many of them dropping and falling about my stumbling feet.
I don’t like this uncertainty. I am a girl who likes to know: it’s on the list, check it off, what’s next?
But these days, details are the better of me; I am constantly behind, falling down.
Briefly last night I watched as he ran circles on the lawn, short legs pumping, back straight fair skin glowing in the falling light. He was alone, talking to himself, re-enacting something from somewhere, content and mindful in his very own moment. His face radiant, as he reveled in pure joy of beating heart and heaving lungs.
The freedom to run, nothing more, nothing less.
Where are those fleeting moments for me? Where is my freedom to run, to draw air deep into my lungs, quenching the fire that burns inside? I want to stretch my legs and run, without fatigue, to just run for the pure joy of flushed cheeks and beating heart.
This off-kilter life is the new normal – every day different. I cannot rely on the old ways, the old routines, to get me through. I must learn a new balance, a tap dance of flexibility, adaptability and grace. I must accept this quaking. shaking life is in a balance of its own.
These daily missions to write what shines – it seems to be more about what is tarnished than what is shiny – but it helps me see bigger, further than the moment. Beyond the place I’m stuck in, to where I want to be. To a place that shines…
This too shall pass. The ground will tilt again; we will all fall down, off-kilter, before scrambling once again to our feet to adapt and persevere.
As I write these words I feel the fresh air and filled lungs. These words are my solace, my sanity.
As you run the rails, seek out what soothes, breathe deep, and when you stumble, smile. It’s all going to be okay. This is just the way it is.
Go then, and be shiny today! Don’t just do it for yourself, do it for her. She needs your glow.
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