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Worth Repeating: On Being Lost

September 30, 2015

A year ago at this time, I began the process of genetic screening for the same terminal illness that killed my mother. Genetic screening is a lengthy process, with weeks of mandatory counseling, so I had  a lot of time to imagine what my life would look like if I were diagnosed with the Huntingtin gene.

During that time, I felt very near to God. Sheltered beneath his wings, as I went through the weeks and months of waiting.

It was not until February of this year that I finally received the news that in fact, I did not inherit the Huntingtin gene from my mother. The demon I had feared for decades was suddenly gone.

When you’ve walked in the shadow of a monster for so long, it’s still disorienting to find yourself suddenly standing in the light.

It’s been 8 months since I received my results, and I still have not yet found my equilibrium. I still have not found balance with the potential of actual longevity. Weeks and months went by, I began to feel ashamed of my inability to find my spiritual footing again. My prayers had been answered. But I still felt lost.

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Last week, I picked up Micha Boyett’s book and began to read. And in her words I received permission to still be a little lost. It was here, in Chapter Two, that I found my exemption.

I sense a soft gathering of warmth between my lungs, a seed of grace thumbed into my soul’s soil: I don’t yet understand, but I will. I will understand that I’ve been encountering God despite myself, despite my failure at prayer, because of the good gifts. I haven’t quite seen it yet, this grace. I haven’t noticed. But I will.

Found: A Story of Questions, Grace, and Everyday Prayer

I walked in the shadow of a monster for decades, and it’s only been 8 months since I found myself without that threat.

I don’t yet know what my life is going to look like, what a life of longevity is going to look like.

I don’t yet know where exactly God is in all of this.

I don’t know now, but I will.

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